


Tendrils of the past

by theosymphany



Category: Biohazard | Resident Evil (Gameverse)
Genre: Multi, Pre-Nivanfield, transcript of conversations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-09-14 16:37:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16916445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theosymphany/pseuds/theosymphany
Summary: The twilight zone. That moment of surreal reprieve between right and wrong, day and night. Feeling more and more out of his place when it comes to finding himself, and upon request by the Director to seek help, Chris encounters someone that could sets his path straight.





	Tendrils of the past

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Nimrod262's earlier work "Smoke rings in the dark". This is not so much a story and more of a psychoanalysis of Chris Redfield's life experiences that made him who he is and offers some theories of why he is the way he is. Even Chris doesn't know if it's on the money or way off mark. Those who know Chris well though, probably have a few opinions about that.  
> Takes place in Nimrod262's AU.

***CONFIDENTIAL: CONTAINS PERSONAL INFORMATION***

***FOR DIRECTOR EYES ONLY***

Annotated Transcript- F20121018SSA15

C. Redfield and censored observer designated [Tango- 1]

 

T: Captain Redfield. It’s a pleasure.

C: Oh, it’s totally yours.

T: Off to a good start aren’t we.

C: Look I’m here because Dee asks me to be here, I don’t give a fuck otherwise.  I didn’t know this job came with carebears and marshmallows and motivational speeches. I mean I coulda use a speechwriter at times, doubt this is the right time though.

T: I understand your displeasure Captain. If it helps, I’m also just doing my job.

C: It’s all a job for you lot isn’t it.

T: If we had to cast lots for it, then I’d rather my job than yours Sir.

C: Do me a favour, if we’re gonna chat like humans drop the sirs and call me Chris.

T: Yes. Chris.

C: I’m not stupid enough to ask why Dee summoned me here. But why now? Why not all those years when I needed it. When Jill needed it?

T: I hear your frustration, but I’m not privy of the director’s plans anymore than you are.

C: Have you seen Jill?

T: I have not, nor am I expecting to.

C: She’s handling it all fine then huh? And I’m some poster problem child here?

T: There is more than one of us, she could be conversing with someone else right now, and I wouldn’t know.

C: Command’s playing us like pawns again. I don’t like where it’s going.

[pause]

C: So where are we going to start? The weather? Gossip on base? If I had a good morning?

T: I know it’s been a bad time. I’ll cut straight to it. Just start talking and I’ll get us there and you’ll be outta here.

C: You that good huh? Well are you any good at fixing the past? ‘Cause that’s probably where that all came from.

T: You’d be surprised how true that is.

C: I didn’t get this far without a hint of emotional intelligence.

T: Good. Self-awareness goes a long way to coping.

C: Who said I ever applied it to myself? Jill’ll be the first one to tell you so.

T: You’re talking… it’s a good sign.

C: Than being drunk and aggressive.

T: Those hardest to reach are at a stage where even words fail…

C: …

T: Well don’t you start now.

C: There’s wisdom in that. I hope I don’t end up there. Though I might have crossed that line a few times.

T: … I hope you stay with me too, for both our sakes.

C: Fine. I feel like shit. Like everything’s massively out of whack in my life. Not like I wanna quit my job and goof off and find myself in some mountain retreat crap, but it bugs me.

T: It’s a lot of change you’re coping with.

C: Stress index and all that. Yeah. Stress is my middle name.

T: Yeah. I’m hearing you’re feeling stressed and uninspired.

C: I ain’t gonna lie. Jill and I have been stagnant, going nowhere, but I thought I could make it work. If I cared more, tried harder. We could. I mean it’s just us…

T: Sounds like it’s her choice as much as yours.

C: And you say Jill hasn’t spoken to you.

T: I haven’t, but I have my sources.

C: Well all-knowing-one. What’s my fix then.

T: To talk over it.

C: Well fuck.

T: Well. It is a fix, at least. This doesn’t go anywhere except to Dee, and that’s only if he a) has a reason, and b) actually finds the time of day to even look over it.

C: No secrets when you’re playing his game huh. I think back what… a decade ago and it’s like… surreal. It was what, ‘97 that we met? She’s some military hotshot coming out of secret training. I’m some airforce dropout renegade. She thought she knew it all, and all I knew was she knew nothing. She saw me as a reject. I saw her as a misfit.

C: We were both wrong. Somehow, somewhere we found we’re not all that different. We got along. Eventually. Being partnered on the job does that. We opened up to each other. Chatted over most things. Shoot the breeze on night shift. I’d be plucking notes at my guitar and she’d be sending email chain letters or some shit. Kept our boundaries of course, work and all. Boss was an anal self-loving son of a bitch who couldn’t handle fun.

C: Things went to hell in a handbasket fast. We had common enemies, people out to get us. I went offline for a while, she covered for me. You know the rest. We decided to get jobs for others. Even people like you.

T: That’s uh, quite a jump from your ambitions, but thanks?

C: We did a lot. Our circles merged to one. Everyone would either assume or think we’d be together. I sorta played along to shut them up. I think she didn’t mind either. Faking it or whatever it was. Then one day I was like why not, and we just hung out more, let barriers down, that sort of thing.

C: She’s not the same after she was gone. I don’t expect her to be. Fuck, I’m not the same man I was. People even look at me differently like I was on drugs or something.

T: Well you know, there’s a pretty popular rumour around base…

C: I can show you the size of my balls if you wanna know if I was on the juice.

T: That’s…. not quite necessary.

C: Oh so I don’t have to turn my head and cough?

T: Not part of my job it ain’t.

C: Where was I. For three years I knew what I wanted. I knew what I had to do. I had to get her back.

T: And you did it, you did what no one could.

C: Like I said, I’d much rather things didn’t turn out the way they did. The stuff she went through, it wasn’t fair on her.

C: I wasn’t naïve enough that we could get through it of course, but we’re like different people. Our conversations are different. I’m different around her. I bet she is different around me. She’s a lot quieter now. Just gives me this look and I have no idea if it’s something I said or some cue I’d missed. Then it’d be awkward.

C: It’s like… I lost my only good friend along the way. I thought we had a thing. Jill and I. I mean I gave her everything I could… I don’t know what else she wanted. What else I could offer.

C: I don’t think I’ve cared for anyone like her.

C: I don’t know if I ever will. She was all I had.

C: Fuck. This is bloody stupid. And hard as hell. I mean life goes on. I just felt like I messed it all up. I’m like maybe if I did this or said that we could have been fine.

[pause]

T: It’s ok, take a moment.

C: So, what do you think.

T: What do you miss the most about Jill?

C: The way we bantered. Shoot the shit. Give each other crap and know nothing sticks.

T: Don’t you do that with buddies?

C: I don’t do buddies. None that are still around anyway. They didn’t all… make it.

C: I call Barry once in a while. But he’s got his girls to look after too.

C: The men here look up to me. I can’t open up to them the same way. And the ones above, you probably know enough of what I think of authority.

C: Kirk of course, we went way back. We used to go do stupid shit with the planes and choppers, but he didn’t make it out.

C: We lost fucking entire teams out in West Africa. Dave. Dan. The rest.

C: …

C: … so no. I miss her. On the other hand, I’d almost lost everyone close to me. I’m scared if I’m too close to Jill… I’ll… I dunno. Jinx her or something. It was her who saved my sorry ass that time afterall. Maybe she’s better off without me.

T: …

C: Kinda fucked up huh?

T: …

T: What did you look for in a relationship?

C: The usual. Someone I can be close with. Do life with. Share. Open up. Have a common goal. Have a future to look forward to. I mean I don’t do commitments well. I’m offline or deployed most of the time. No point getting someone else hitched and tied. It’s not a fair price to ask of someone else, and I know deep down I probably wouldn’t be able to make them a priority. If Jill begged me to quit and take a desk job… well I dunno. Not for the next few years at least.

T: Have you had other relationships Chris?

C: Not for a long time. My kind of work pretty much cut it all off. And it’s not safe. Claire got kidnapped. Jill has her near misses. I couldn’t care enough about a person and have it be a weakness. And honestly, I don’t know if I have time or energy to run a relationship outside of work.

T: What is your relationship with Agent Alomar?

C: Hmm. Professional? She’s young and on the up. We worked well together considering she barely knew me, but she had a good head on her shoulders and could hold her own. Not many see Wesker in the flesh and survive.

T: Would she be someone you’d date?

C: So you think I’d bang anything that moves? No. We have a connection from our experiences, but it’s one of respect. When you’re in a threatening situation you don’t think about any of that crap. It’s just who can watch your back and just try to make it through anything else. It’s not the same. And she’s back in Africa now. No need to make things complicated.

T: What about in the past?

C: Uh. Hmm Jill always says there’s this operative, Sherawat. Said she had massive hots for me. I didn’t think so. I’d say Jill was trying to get a rise out of me. She was weird and touchy at times, but then hey she turned out to be a snitch and twisted the knife, so maybe it was good I wasn’t playing whatever games she was up to.

T: And in your recent years, have you found anyone you can be open with?

C: Don’t have much time building relationships when I’m flying out ever few days. I spent more time on mission and on flights than anything else. Knew the pilots, air traffic guys, the crew. But they’re on base, I’m on field most of the time. Still got a few pilot friends, but I kinda don’t want my friends being on mission with me. Keep some distance ya know.

C: Now I’ve been on base mostly. Building a team of course. Fuck knows how I’m doing it. I know a lot about killing, and staying alive, but it’s one thing to throw myself in danger and another to ask other guys to be doing it with me, or instead of me.

C: These are kids ya know. Yeah most have seen combat, the BSAA doesn’t take anyone fresh, but we’re miles away from any sense of normal from the regular forces. Attrition rate is through the roof. Bet Dee is pissed about that.

C: Still, better them leave early now on their own two feet than in a body bag I’d say. You gotta want to be here to get to stay.

C: Got a couple kids who have promise. Nivans. Alfonso. Airhart. Walker. They’re in my team. Good guys. When they’re less green they can really go and fix things up.

C: Was good when Jill was around. Troops respond to a female officer differently. But my Jill ain’t like most girls. Put the fear of God in them with a look. We’d chat and she’ll point out things to me. Claire too really.

T: A more personal question, Chris. What is love to you?

C: Like a love for people? Family?

T: Romantic love.

C: Can’t say I’m a subject matter expert on that one. I don’t even know if I’ll ever marry. Kids, a house in the suburbs and dogs, the whole package. Never saw myself in that. As a vet I think that’s kinda outta reach. I might ship out tomorrow and not make it back, so I don’t bother planning ahead. Maybe… well, fuck,  maybe that’s what Jill’s about. When she said that… ‘She’s that kind of woman. And I’m that kind of man.’

T: Hmm.

C: It’s why she called it a ‘loveless relationship’ isn’t it. I’ve turned myself into a robot after all these years.

T: You’re not Chris. You have feelings. Lots of them.

C: Then why do I watch us shipwreck like the titanic on the side of Mars and don’t even do a thing to stop it?

T: Like you said, you hurt now so it doesn’t hurt later.

C: …

T: You’re scared, for your sake, for her sake. So you rather set her free. So if anything happens, it’s at least not because of you.

C: Sound like I’m being a fucking coward.

T: It’s rather admirable. And I believe Major Valentine sees it as clearly as you do. It would have hurt her no less, all things considering, but she deals with emotions in a different way you do.

C: …

T: If you want me to spell it out. You wear them on your sleeve.

C: …

T: Hear me out. You act then and there, when you want, when you do. If you’re doing something, you usually know good reason to, even if you can’t quite articulate it. Your emotions know what you’re doing even if your mind doesn’t.

C: That’s quite the judgement there.

T: Oh I don’t sit here for hours and ask you to solve your own problems. Dee doesn’t believe in that kind of therapy. You are a perfectly capable adult. Well, maybe not so perfect. But you’re OK.

C: Gee thanks. Dee wanted me to come all the way here to be told I’m OK. Sorta OK.

T: I’m here to help you find your inner voice so you can be aware of the things your angelic conscience does that makes your life a living hell.

T: You’ve lost a lot Chris. Parents. Teams. Comrades. Partners. Friends. A piece of yourself gets buried with each of them. The strain of it all is not easy to live under.

T: When was the last time you called Claire?

C: …

T: Too long. Because you didn’t want to be too close in case you become a threat to her. Guess what. Trouble finds her anyway. TerraSave still had their incident last year and she got hurt. Barry too.

T: …I know I know. But guess what. They didn’t make it because you distanced yourself. She made it because you taught her how to cope in difficult situations earlier. You helped her prepare for it. Barry knew the BSAA would still have their backs going in.

T: You think you’re in love with Jill because you share a relationship and connection that no one else has. Because there is an emotional proximity, that’s the closest thing to love.

C: Yeah.

T: It’s a co-dependency. You are forced to rely on each other because you can’t find that in anyone else. Of course you are close. Shared victories and losses do that. That doesn’t mean that It’s her or nothing.

T: Would you be surprised if I tell you that’s not necessarily love? Platonic love, perhaps. But not the one that gets two people marrying.

C: What the hell was I doing in those 3 years then if that’s not love?

T: You did a very noble thing, and for noble motives.

C: …

T: But you wanted to ease the guilt of your consciences- your self-condemnation that it was all your fault and therefore you had to fix it. And now she’s back, you wanted to have things be OK again. You watch out for her because you’re scared nobody else will and it’s not fair for her to be someone elses’ problem. You wanted her to feel she’s not an outcast, that you’re still happy to be around her, that nothing has changed.

T: You were relieved she is around, for as much your sake and hers.

T: No need to get defensive. Anyone would feel the exact same in your situation, some even more extreme than you.

T: You tell yourself that’s love. That it’s love getting you through. That love brought you back together. That love did the impossible.

T: So then why were you more scared that she’s back? Was it really her avoiding you or you not knowing why you didn’t feel any more resolute in your future?

C: I cared a lot about Jill. I have always been terrible at expressing… feelings… affection. I don’t know whether I’m putting on an act.

T: It’s not doing either of you favours pretending she needs you. And you’re not the only person she needs. It sounds terrible, but she was never your ‘problem’. She’s her own person, and she has her own ideas of how she wants to run her life. I’d wager it’s not living under the shadow of a man.

C: …

T: There’s a thousand theories about this, but forget the technical names. It’s… not easy for someone who haven’t witnessed a stable loving relationship growing up. We develop some sort of attachment type based on what one knew or miss from their parents yada yada. And sometimes people project that onto their relationships.

C: I knew it, it always relates back to the parents.

T: It’s a cliché precisely because it’s true. Parents role model and influence what relationships are like to their children. You are left lost because affection was not something you grew to be comfortable with. When you’re young your parents provided for you. So you associate love with providing for someone, to look after their needs. You try to solve all of Jill’s problems by dealing with them yourself. You want to provide for her to show that you care. It’s all right and proper in your head, but it’s not to Jill.

C: I need a bottle to get through this.

T: It may sting a little.

C: But… what about Claire then?

T: Two things. Ask yourself if you are primarily a provider to Claire. Then, ask yourself if Claire too may have the same struggles. I believe she is still single all this time?

C: Well fuck. And fuck how much you know about me. This can’t all be in the files.

T: …

C: So what’s next? Try do date? Try to find love? I doubt Dee wanted my attention elsewhere when he can keep me occupied with work.

T: … that’s totally up to you. Though, it can be helpful to explore what love could be like. And that a relationship doesn’t have to be transactional. It’s not who has done what for the other and who has done more. It’s doing it because of the person.

T: A personal question.

C: This thing has been pretty personal from the beginning.

T: Where does sexual attraction fit in to your idea of love?

C: We seriously talking about this? Is this going in the records?

T: …You have a pretty high security clearance Chris. There’s not much they don’t know.

C: Well fuck it.

T: If you’re not ready we can come back to it.

C: So dropping it isn’t an option?

T: No.

C: In that case, wouldn’t it be easily for you to tell me as you’ve got it all figured out?

T: If you insist.

C: Oh shit, you do?

T: Was your relationship with Jill a sexual one?

C: Well lady’s honour, one does not kiss and tell. She’ll have your head on a spike and my balls in a jar.

T: Why not?

C: She has values.

T: It’s been what, ten years?

C: We weren’t dating for much of it.

T: Because you tell yourself that’s what you should do. That when a man is so close to a woman it must be love right? Attraction is intimacy. Intimacy is attraction.

C: Uh, sounds about right.

T: If you were attracted to Jill it’d hurt a lot more than it is now, Chris.

C: What?

T: Yes.

C: She’s a pretty girl. Nice. I mean, I’m still not used to blondie Jill, but I see other guys checking her out.

T: Most ‘boyfriends’ get pretty protective over things like that.

C: Oh, Jill is way more capable than I to look after herself. It’d be patronising.

T: Wise move too. Considering the circumstances.

C: I care for her like she’s family. I think about her a lot. We chat, hang out. Is that not what people do when they date?

T: They fuck too.

C: We haven’t been that close. I thought we’d… work up to it

T: Never knew you to be the traditional religious type.

C: I respect her wishes. She knows she can ask for anything.

T: Ever the gentlemen.

T: Look, I’m not going to say there’s anything wrong. You do you. But try to be in the moment more when you’re around others. Don’t think about how you’ll relate in the future, or if things may work, or not work, and let that affect you right now…

T: Focus on the present. The people you’re with. Let them respond and treat you how they may treat you, not how you think they would treat you.

T: And if in doing so you find someone else you can be close with, well, then you’ll know.

C: How the hell would I know?

T: If in doubt, run it by Jill. She’d probably help you work it out.

C: Well, I’m not sure if she’s exactly keen to help out my love life given circumstances.

T: Maybe not now. But maybe try and remember my words one day. It may not surprise you that it is also part of Jill’s conscience and interest to help you move on. She’s far more thoughtful and prepared than you think.

C: …

T: Don’t change yourself Chris. You’re an amazing person. All I am saying is stop forcing yourself to take on all these unnecessary burdens and expectations you have of yourself. Live a little. Bond with others. It’s only human.

T: Resist the urge to turn into an unemotional zombie after fighting them all your life.

C: Well, thanks. And tell Dee thanks too, and to wipe his mind after reading this.

T: Well, go do you thing, and if you wanna feedback how things are, you can drop by again, on or off the record.

C: I think I’ll need time to sort through all this. Probably right to do it this stage of my life. I’ll remember that offer someday.

T: Good luck, Captain Redfield.

 

-End of file-

**Author's Note:**

> What will happen to this note I wonder. Will Dee ever read it? Or a certain future director?


End file.
